July 15th, 2008 / No Comments » / by Lesli
There are some days that are just undeniably ruled by Murphy’s Law.
After muting my alarm clock last night quite unintentionally, I managed to oversleep by two hours this morning. Hurriedly late for work, I rush out the door unshowered dawning a pair of dirty jeans and a crumpled shirt. Late or not, I still stop for my morning Starbucks addiction — which I swear I would not even have if not for the gift card I received at work months ago, it’s all my manager’s fault. Racing out of the parking lot and back onto the road, my car starts making an alarming clicking noise from under the hood on the passenger’s side. After a moment, the noise subsides and I decide to ignore the fact that my car is surely about to explode, I must get to work afterall!
Half-way to Santa Rosa, I realize that my car is running hot so I pull over to the shoulder and turn on the flashers, reluctantly getting out of the car to give things a once over. Like I would even know what I was looking for. Call it a woman’s intuition (or common sense), I check the radiator first to realize that the guys who charged me $400 for what was initially just supposed to be an oil change but turned into Major Maintenance Day didn’t put my radiator cap on all the way. I dig through my trunk trying to find the jug of water that I keep on hand for just such occasions to realize that its lid has come off at some point during my journeys and there is now only a few cups of water sloshing around in it, it would have to do.
Sitting there on the side of River Road with the weight of the overcast skies pushing down on me, it was all I could do not to call my manager right then and turn around to go back home. If I had had his phone number stored in my phone, there is no doubt this is what I would have done. Back on the road and now hauling some serious ass to make up time, I pray that those thick clouds will just fall out and bring some rain. No dice, they just grow thicker and darker but never give it up. After battling many a minivan and luxury suv, I finally pull into the parking lot at work over an hour late and truck it as best I can on my vertically challenged legs to my building to realize that my security badge fell off in my car. I traverse the three parking lots over again to then dig through my car and find my seat had eaten my badge and my pudgy little fingers almost could not get it out from between the seat and the console.
I’ve since been hiding out trying to remain low key in my cube. The sun is out now and there are some things to be thankful for, like the fact that I only spilled coffee on myself once today.
Oh, and Plan Z was initialized last night. How very cryptic and covert, I know. And none of you even know what I’m talking about, but suffice it to say that Plan Z is a very big deal to me and I’m handling Day 1 of Stage 1 of Plan Z pretty well. There just may be hope for my sanity after all.
Posted in: Babbling, Work
April 28th, 2008 / 1 Comment » / by Lesli
…
is stagnation in motion?
I’m finding myself completely incapable of focusing on anything today. My brain feels like a massive cyclone; hellbent on destroying, rather than processing, the overwhelming flood of information thrust my way. I feel like self destructing. Dizzy with confusion. Mourning sobs caught in my throat, stopping any other sounds from escaping.
Always something that’s just not quite right, something missing. Today it’s any sense of connectedness. Just floating along. I know I’d fall into my place if I’d just stop searching for it. It’s a tough call as to whether my expectations are entirely too high or if I even posses any expectations at all. I deserve nothing I desire.
The years I’ve pretended hadn’t passed are starting to catch up with me, I think.
No, nothing in this post is supposed to make sense to anyone else. I’m just feeling the overwhelming urge to cry out this morning. To someone. To anyone. But there’s no one.
Can’t help the melodrama. I’ve tried distracting myself with my work this morning, but it’s just not quite doing the job. Nor am I, heh.
It can’t always be this way.
Heh, like any girl, when feeling down it’s best to go shopping. I just ordered myself a new ipod, I’m feeling slightly better already.
Posted in: Babbling
Tags: crybaby, emo, melodramatic, nonsense
March 16th, 2008 / No Comments » / by Lesli
… I’m so thankful to be able to just sit back and appreciate life. Even when things are seeming particularly crappy, I guess it’s always better than the alternative.
It’s another beautiful day today. The weather is perfect and the temperatures mild. Everything is in full bloom and although it’s wreaking havoc on everyones’ allergies, it’s such a beautiful sight. Refreshing. Spring always makes me feel like it’s possible to get a fresh start, to gain a better outlook.
I’m kicked back at a cafe right now, enjoying an afternoon of people watching and baking in the sun (and being incredibly Irish, there’s absolutely no doubt that I am actually baking.) I love life on the river. Northern California has such interesting people to offer up every single day. I wish that I had thought to bring my charcoals and a sketch book, this woud have been a great day to try and steal a few moments of the day onto paper. Sometimes you need something tangible to remind you just how fascinating life can be. It’s always the smallest things that amaze me the most. I suppose that’s something that I can be thankful for.
Ahhh, Sunday laziness. I hate for Sundays to come to an end. I’m really enjoying my work, but I have no desire to wake up so incredibly early in the morning. If only I could work afternoons. That would be the sweetest thing ever.
I love all the people I see around here. I wish I was more capable of striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. You never know how you’re going to be received though, that coupled with a constant self-consciousness is enough to make me sit here quietly all to myself just wondering. I suppose wondering is enough itself, at least then I get to make up my own comical anectdotes about everyone. I suppose it’s a lot more amusing and gratifying that the reality of them probably is anyway.
I don’t know what I’m rambling about, per usual. I just have a desire to type nonsensically. Wish I actually had something of value to say!
Posted in: Babbling
March 13th, 2008 / 2 Comments » / by Lesli
No, I haven’t cleaned up the mess around here yet. Let’s be honest, looking at my history of procrastination, it’s fairly safe to assume that it’ll be a good long while before this site even barely resembles something that’s perhaps finished.
I wish I had a real desk. My ghetto engineering job is pretty useful, but not quite comfortable. And I know if I go lay down with my laptop and get all comfy somewhere, I’ll just pass right out. Which is what I should probably be doing anyway, but who wants to do what they’re supposed to?
I’ve not really been in the best of mindsets for the past few days. Pretty introverted. Nothing new, I guess. It’s just always slightly alarming when I begin to feel this desperate need to be alone. It’s so much easier to close myself up in my room and fall back into cyclic self pity. I justify that it’s better not to expose other people to the ‘black hole’ that I truly feel like right now, though, quite honestly, I think lonliness is the biggest factor in feeling so utterly crap. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go eat some worms, etc.
All compounded by the overwhelming feeling that I’m just wandering aimlessly through life. Where do I fit in in this world. Where’s my place on this big rotating chunk of dirt. Nowhere, it seems. I find I’m just as unsure of myself now at twenty-four as I was ten years ago at fourteen. At what point do I get to actually feel like an adult? I’m really just playing one in the movies, it seems. I feel like I’ve been waiting for something for years now. Is everything really so disappointing? “Things will get better. They have to.” Better never comes. Better is just when things don’t suck completely, but they still suck somewhat.
I don’t really know what I’m rambling on about. I’m feeling so much at once right now that I can’t really discern what’s bothering me at all.
“I ain’t never felt nothing so strong.”
Tomorrow is Friday, at least. Looking forward to catching up on some sleep, most definitely. Yes, my exciting Friday night will consist of cuddling with myself under copious amounts of blankets. Mm, comfort.
Posted in: Babbling
March 4th, 2008 / No Comments » / by Lesli
Why things appear differently after I upload them than they do while on my test server. This makes no sense. And is almost discouraging, actually. Stuff that was working is suddenly not working? Why for? I NEED TO KNOW. And why aren’t the fonts rendering the same? Ack! I also haven’t viewed any of this on my pc. Dear gods, I hope it at least looks somewhat similar. No, I’m not nearly finished and yes, it is still going to take quite a while. EVENTUALLY. Eeeeventually. I don’t know how to fix it when it appears to be correct on my machine. =( Woe. woe, I say.
I’ve been feeling particularly hermit-y these past few days. Getting some strange comfort from holeing up in my room by myself and pecking away at the keyboard. Unhealthy? Very possibly. Do I care? Not in the least. I went from living on my own with none but a dog to constantly being surrounded by people so I guess it’s probably natural to just need time to chill with only myself as company. Not that I don’t miss some company. A straner in a strange land, right? Ahhh. I’m kind of rambling nonsensically just to fill the page, honestly. I hate feeling this weird homesickness. Hate to admit feeling it, rather. But I really wish I could hop in my car and go pay my folks a visit, maybe even see a few of the assholes I used to consider friends. Will this place ever start to feel familiar to me? I’ve been here almost a year now. A couple of months, it seems like.
Posted in: Babbling, Geek
