The Solace of Solitude?

No, I haven’t cleaned up the mess around here yet.  Let’s be honest, looking at my history of procrastination, it’s fairly safe to assume that it’ll be a good long while before this site even barely resembles something that’s perhaps finished.

I wish I had a real desk.  My ghetto engineering job is pretty useful, but not quite comfortable.  And I know if I go lay down with my laptop and get all comfy somewhere, I’ll just pass right out.  Which is what I should probably be doing anyway, but who wants to do what they’re supposed to?

I’ve not really been in the best of mindsets for the past few days.  Pretty introverted.  Nothing new, I guess.  It’s just always slightly alarming when I begin to feel this desperate need to be alone.  It’s so much easier to close myself up in my room and fall back into cyclic self pity.  I justify that it’s better not to expose other people to the ‘black hole’ that I truly feel like right now, though, quite honestly, I think lonliness is the biggest factor in feeling so utterly crap.  Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go eat some worms, etc.

All compounded by the overwhelming feeling that I’m just wandering aimlessly through life.  Where do I fit in in this world. Where’s my place on this big rotating chunk of dirt.  Nowhere, it seems.  I find I’m just as unsure of myself now at twenty-four as I was ten years ago at fourteen.  At what point do I get to actually feel like an adult?  I’m really just playing one in the movies, it seems.  I feel like I’ve been waiting for something for years now.  Is everything really so disappointing?  “Things will get better.  They have to.”  Better never comes.  Better is just when things don’t suck completely, but they still suck somewhat.

I don’t really know what I’m rambling on about.  I’m feeling so much at once right now that I can’t really discern what’s bothering me at all.

“I ain’t never felt nothing so strong.”

Tomorrow is Friday, at least.  Looking forward to catching up on some sleep, most definitely.  Yes, my exciting Friday night will consist of cuddling with myself under copious amounts of blankets.  Mm, comfort.

Posted in: Babbling

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 at 10:49 pm and is filed under Babbling. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “The Solace of Solitude?”

Ben March 14th, 2008 at 4:06 am

Hey - I don’t know if this means anything, but I know exactly how you feel. I’ll share a few of the insights that I’ve had over the past few years. They may help, or you may think I’m full of shit. Either way, I’ll try.
1. Being alone and introverted is healthy unless it’s taken
to an absurd extreme. When it all comes down, you’re the only one that you can rely on. If you spend time with yourself, you’ll be comfortable with yourself. Once you’re really at peace with yourself you’ll look at the world in a new light, and things do get easier.
2. The only place in this world for you is one that you make for yourself. Walmart and suing McDonalds for burning yourself with your own coffee has pretty much guaranteed that nobody will work someplace for 25 years and then retire anymore. We live in a temporary world and corporate loyalty might as well be a story about magic beans and rattlesnakes that grant wishes. The only people that I’ve ever known that felt like they belonged anywhere were either born into so much money that they actually did belong, or people that were so smart that they couldn’t tell the difference between passion and a career.
3. Granted, I’m only 28, but I’m not sure that we ever really grow up. Sure, we get older. One by one, the things that interest us change. But growing up? Do you want to? Would you like to wake up one morning and say - “yep, I’m 46. I feel 46. I act 46. I’m glad I got here so quickly. 46 is for me!”?
I’m not sure that one made much sense. The point is that maybe growing up shouldn’t be a goal. Maybe it should just be a by-product of our stumbling journey through life.
4. Ok - last thing. I like you. I dig you. From what little of you I’ve read about, I think you’re funny, intelligent enough to daunt a lot of people, and attractive to boot. I am, however, nowhere near you. The closest that I’ve been able to manage is a few days in LA (where I am now), or passing by you on the way to washington or oregon. With that in mind - I would very much like to take the first opportunity that I’m in your area (couldn’t you have moved to someplace a little less out of the way?) to take you out for a cup of tea or even (gasp!) dinner.

I hope some of this helps you a bit. Just remember - you can’t be lost if you’re not really on our way to anywhere. god that sounds bad.
Ben

Lesli March 14th, 2008 at 6:28 pm

Ahah, thanks for the comments. The “46 is for me!” bit really made me laugh out loud.

And whatever do you mean by out of the way?! When I first moved out here, I thought to myself that I was so close to San Francisco that’d I’d surely go there every other day. It’s been months since I’ve gone into the city, hah!

Anyone who is actually fooled into thinking I’m intelligent is wonderful in my book, so I’ll hold you to that cup of tea if you’re ever in this out of the way area. :-)

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